Saturday, September 15, 2018

Happy Saturday Everyone!

In honor of the weekend let's keep today drama free!

Blessings and Love,


Monday, September 10, 2018

Find Sam!

This story came across and I am sharing this with you all to get the news out because it's needs coverage now not when she is found!

Sunday, September 9, 2018

Why I Don't Believe In Diets!!

junk food bulk

So let me make this clear, I don't believe in diets. However, yes, as people know I am losing weight and keeping it off.  What's this miracle that has kept me from gaining more weight? Well, for one I had to take a good hard look in the mirror and at the numbers on the scale that is conveniently hidden across the house.  See I have been going through a huge rough spot in my life, my husband of now nineteen years decided that once again that I was not worth it and decided to throw away our marriage once again and in true Narcissist form blame me for everything.  Well, guess what I decided to start reevaluating my life and after a lot of thought and self-reflection, I started waking up and coming out of what is known as the Narcissist influence cloud. Ladies as someone who has to deal with it in the daily grind I can tell you it's real and it affected me to the point I was a shadow of my former self. I had literally given up on anything and everything because of the influence I had pushed on me.

I hated what I saw and decided to change it!  I looked at myself and saw someone who had given up all hope and cares about myself and then I decided to get on the scale. I had hit my highest weight ever at 280 pounds.  I stepped off in a panic attack and cried, I couldn't believe that I had gotten that heavy. I looked in the mirror and I hated the person staring back at me.  So I decided to make changes and I had to make sure that these changes were ones that I would be able to work with.  I had never been on the diet train because I cannot and will not cut any foods out of my diet, but I realized I could do it all in moderation.  I went back to my mini plate mentality and something I knew I could control I cut out 80percent of all soda I had been drinking and replaced it with half water and half sweet tea. If you ask why I didn't do unsweetened tea... I am not a heathen I am a southern gal who had to do this her way. Day three of the no soda train and I was suffering from withdrawals and a headache, but I kept with the water and Tea and two days later the headaches stopped and I made it through the first hurdle.  The smaller plates meant I had to go from three full meals to four mini meals a day.  I ate less, but it was spread out and I am full. My binge eating had almost stopped.

But the bad part is I like to  snack.  I decided this was something that would take time for me to battle, but I had a still have a plan. I started working on my third book and focusing more on my blog. Since doing this I have knocked out multiple chapters on not just my newest book, 'The Farm' but also started a few other ideas for books as well as a few You Tube ideas I am working on. The best thing is, my blog has built up from the work I have put into it and my books are getting ready for editing and self-publish.

Win-win right? Wrong!  I was still very out of shape and decided I had to do something about it physically so I started to walk. Now I can hear people now, "Well, I have physical issues!" So do I.  I have a bad knee and a bad ankle that I fractured a few years ago, so trust me I know about physical issues.  But I got off my ass and started walking. A walk around the block is a third of a mile. I started with a mile and am now after a month up to almost four miles.

But fad diets are just that FADS.  The Keto diet scares me! However, I have heard good and bad things about it! But the thing that I hear from all people who stop diets is that as soon as they stopped whatever diet they gained all the weight back. Why torture yourself? 

 I made a lifestyle change instead that has worked.  I eat what I like, but I do eat mini meals. So I don't feel like I am missing out and  I get the foods I like. But the walking has helped me so much because I am now officially down 22 pounds and I have certain areas on my body that are shrinking and tightening! I have noticed that my belly is shrinking as well as around my upper thighs! But most of all I see the person I want to be instead of a walking Zombie. Also, my anxiety and depression have lessened and I am so happy about that.

So do what you need to do is best for you because you are worth it and important!

Much Love and Happy Thoughts,

Friday, September 7, 2018

Keep Calm and Love Florida

Hey, all its Angie and I decided to give you a lesson on my state Florida! See I was out the other day and I had some cranky ass New Yorker (Sorry if you live in New York or are from New York, but this butthole was actually bragging about where he was from.) You see I am an actual Florida Cracker!  No, a Cracker is NOT something derogatory it just means that I am a natural born Floridian who has actually stayed here most of her life. It's one of those old-school southern sayings like 'bless your heart' and 'So good you want to slap your Mama'! We Floridians get a whole bunch of crap though, and I feel the need to set the record straight about how things are done around these parts!

First, we do get multiple seasons! But unlike other parts of the country, they range from Hurricane Season to living in Satans Anus season! Why do we tolerate it? Because for anyone who has lived here exclusively for more than ten years, we love it! A few Christmases ago we went swimming on Christmas morning after we opened the presents.  I know what you must be thinking, "Angie you never lived anywhere else, so how would you know about the weather?" Well, I did do a brief five-year punishment having to live in New Jersey and listen I lived near the beach and my Grandparents knew I needed to be out in the sun a few times a week or I became a monster. I love snow seriously, but I love Florida. In my dream world, I would have a home on the water here in Florida and a place in the mountains so I can write as well... One day I will make this happen.

But in all seriousness here is a few things that why some may laugh are true about Floridians and how we are some tough people.

1. We live in a state where one of our top three contributors to our economy is the tourist!  We are not just talking about citizens from other states, but people from all over the world. Our resident Mouse brings them in by the plane loads and then all our other parks and attractions to keep them here vacationing. Florida has an amazing, thriving industry for entertainment as well as history. If they are not visiting an amusement park have you seen our beaches! Then we have many secret hidden gems located all over Florida in our state parks that are not only rich with Nature but with History.  Do yourself a favor if you want to get away from it all, check out my Pinterest board HERE you will not be disappointed!

2. We have this amazing grocery called Publix and they are amazing. There is nothing like a Publix sub! Their cakes are ordered for all important occasions. Or go to Publix and get their 8 piece meal that is a true taste of Florida as well! Plus, as a kid, we always loved getting our free cookie from the bakery! Or if you're not in your Publix you feel lost!  Also, Publix just became more strict with the enforcement of only service animals and making sure animals are out of the shopping cart as true service animals would not need to ride in a shopping cart. They are a tried and true Florida institution.

3. We have amazing weather! Yes, I know we are known as the lightning capital of the world and we get the pesky tropical weather, but when 75% of the time you have sun and a breeze who cares that's why we live here.  As for the pesky tropical weather as I was saying before we Floridians are a tough bunch.  We know when it's lightning out you head indoors. When the tropical weather picks up we have a few things that go through our head. A tropical wave, the tropical storm we just glance at the TV and follow it slightly. Category one we start paying attention to see where the projected path is bringing it to shore. A category 2 we are buying the staples and really watching the projected path as well as starting to make the yards hurricane ready. At this time depending on the landfall area and the projected path we are getting our elderly to where they need to be and families with small kids are starting to leave to family and friend's places that are in safe zones. Now if it's a category three we are deciding and getting hotels outside the path if our home is in a landfill area. Our people who are Floridians are brave, but we don't put our family in a rough spot.  Category four or five we have not only loaded our pets and family into cars and have started heading out we are now trying to convince our family who are stubborn to come with.  This has nothing to do with being scared this has everything to do with protecting those we love. There is bravery in this as we don't know if we will have a home to come back to after the storm has passed through and it's all over.  Besides, we get hurricane days instead of snow days!

And I was one of them....My have times have changed. For the Better

4. Besides the weather that can be a pain in the butt we also have trees that can kill you! There is a tree that is called the Manchineel Tree that is native to Florida that is so poisonous that if any rainwater was to hit you coming off this tree it would burn your skin.  Then we have tree gators as well. That's right folks not only is the Gators in the water they can get into the trees as well.  We even have people crazy enough to throw gators threw the windows of drive-through restaurants. 

5. You learn pretty fast how to communicate in any language regardless of the fact that you can speak another language or not. You think this is funny, I only know a few words of Spanish and I took German in high school. However, if you work in the customer service field you know you can communicate really fast and you have google translate in your phone so you can do your job effectively.

6. You pray to the air conditioner! Now I have friends and family who live in northern states and they don't get why I need an Air conditioner year round when they don't use their a lot at all. Oh, sweeties spend a few weeks in Florida and you will know the reason why.

7.  As a kid in Florida we get some of the BEST field trips and as adults, we love chaperoning those amazing field trips. Such as but not limited to NASA, St Augustine, Theme Parks. Swimming with the Manatees, Boating down the rivers.  Yes, we are adults, but hey, if we can get a trip with our kids and can act like a kid ourselves its win-win situation!

8. Genetically engineered bugs and animals. Love bugs are not lovely and mosquitoes are annoying. That's not including snacks, gators, and sharks in the water. However, if you are a true Floridian you know how to act where to avoid and what to do. Oh, and if you were looking for peace and quiet, well sweetie, let me inform you now that our wildlife will give you the song of their people A LOT! The frogs are very vocal and so are the crickets, especially after a brief nighttime rain which happens about every night!

9. Fresh fruit and food!
There is nothing like an orange! Yes, I know you people who live outside our state can get them too, but we can normally go to our neighbor and ask to get them off their tree yes we do get picky on our citrus! As Florida has become a catchall for the American people if you know where to look you can get some amazing food! No, I am not talking about chain restaurants, but mom and pop places or food trucks that offer some of the best food ever! Also, because we are surrounded by water, there are a large ton of fresh seafood places around just be ready to get some mud on your car tires to get there!

10. You know in Florida we are separated into groups! North. Central. South. When you are talking to someone you will need to know the difference as each area has different things to do.  Also, there is a big college rivalry here as well and each college is in a different area. School yourself to be safe!

11. We do casual around these parts really well and you will own more Flip Flops, Sandals, Bathing suits than any other piece of clothing.  If you are a person wanting to be a local this is a fact. Just come to the sunny side of Florida we have cookies!

12 In Florida, we have trust issues due to the weather!  Oh, you think I am joking! Seriously, it will be sunny and bright in the front yard and then it will be storming in the backyard!  Also, you think you're going to look out your window and the weather is the same as it was ten minutes ago, that's adorable. Last night I went to do my nightly walk and it got pushed back three times because it started raining again.

13. NOTHING, absolutely nothing in the news shocks you ever!
*Woman burns down one of the oldest trees in Florida to cook her 
*Man arrested for molesting a tailpipe of a car!
*Guy arrested for throwing a baby alligator through the window of a fast food restaurant!

Yes, even us Floridians cringe when the news comes on and we will all be like not Florida, please. Then when its Florida we groan inwardly.

14. We get cold if the weather dips below 70

15. The heat and humidity are the reasons most ladies in Florida avoid makeup and wear out hair in ponytails! We also recognize a heated seatbelt as a dangerous object!

16. The day and nighttime skies are beautiful and almost everyone wants to paint or photograph them.

17. Want to try out churches? We have A LOT of them around as well as synagogue's and you can almost always find a Wiccan or Faith healer! I even know of a handful of Voodoo and Hoodoo groups around as well.  Religion, regardless of what type of big in Florida! You just have to know where to look!

>18. We believe in the paranormal and have a town based on it!  Come to visit Cassedega Florida and see what it's all about. However pretty much any area in Florida is haunted. We have some strong history here and we can tell you handfuls of ghost stories and where to go find some yourself. A shout out to our local 
Ghosthunters in Brooksville PIT They are awesome and I catch as many of their lives as possible. 

 But seriously, I love my state and I hate when people bash it. I have been known to say if you hate it so much it's about a four-hour drive north to the state line you won't be missed!  True Floridians are a special breed we have to live with the fact that our state is not just our state and we have to share it with the world. We have people trying to take back the state by purchasing land and letting nature have it! We deal with new neighbors constantly as well as tourists and storms. Our ground can open up from sinkholes or be destroyed by hurricanes! But we are a bunch of badasses who endure because we know behind the bad stuff there is a bunch of amazing and good! We are a proud group and we are as southern as we come!

Blessings and Hope to you all!

Sunday, September 2, 2018

A Honest Open Letter

When I write I try to be as transparent as possible. However, I have kept something back because of the fact that it hurts for me to talk about.  If you read my article below, then you know what it's like to be married to a Narcissist, however, I barely touched on how bad it really can be because, to be honest, I didn't want to have to live through everything again. It's bad though, and to the point, I am about to lose more than I already had. You see I used to work for sears holdings. I was a Lead (Manager) for their footwear department and then they got rid of the position and I was demoted back to a full-time associate and then on January 30th they did away with that position. Well, they gave severance and I qualified for unemployment and all during this time I have been looking for work. I  have put out close to 350 job applications for various types of jobs and some stay at home jobs as well. I now do some low pay freelancing and have worked on building up the blog. During this time my home life has disintegrated. All during the time I was getting severance I was still paying utilities and buying the essentials for the house.  When I went to unemployment I could only afford my medical insurance, cell, kids medical insurance and internet along with food and basics for the house. The man I am married to does not pay for food for the house. I found out recently what I expected was true and he has been having an affair with one of his co-workers.  It explained a lot. Like his late nights and his secret calls and he goes out mysteriously each night.  

I hate him for it.  He claims he tried to save our marriage, but it was all lies. I let him back home on a promise that he was different and he would be honest with me.  Nothing but lies. I have cried more in the last week than I did when we separated last time.  But I am not angry because I was stupid and let him back and I believed in him.  I am angry because he has manipulated and turned people against me like he promised he would. Right before he went to work he started a fight with me and said threw things up at me that he would have only known if my 18-year-old daughter told him. I told her things in confidence and she went behind my back and told him everything I said. Then when I messaged her to confront her about this she said everything was my fault and it was all about me. When he left me last time I did everything for my kids. He did nothing if he showed up to a game or an event it was all about making contacts and missed the events completely.  She said I became so self-involved about everything and the mess is my fault. I finally told her I loved her and if she needed anything to just call me and removed her off my messenger because I can't trust her.

My soon to be ex-husband told me that he is not paying the bills anymore unless he feels like it.  He told me today that maybe he should just move out now and see what happens. Okay!!! It won't be the first time he left me with things to deal with it won't be the last.  I feel like I am a shit mom right now because of all this. My son's birthday is the 5th and I have been told if my husband does anything with him I am not invited and I can't afford to do anything.  What my soon to be ex is doing is wrong and my kids deserve better. I am doing everything I can get my life together and move forward with my kids and pets away from him. The problem is I am the type I donate to charity, I do what I can to help out those in need but now I need help.

I hate to ask, but if anyone can help with my go fund me account listed here!
Most of all I am asking for hope, prayers and positive thoughts.

This article strayed from the main point, but listen you never know whats really going on with others until it's too late.  People who used to be friends, don't say anything to me at all anymore thanks to my soon to be ex-husband! I have been excluded from events in my own children's life because of this crap so if you see someone who is having issues if you can do nothing else at least open a loving and friendly ear.

Love and Blessings,

I wonder how long this had been happening before I became aware of it? And I was aware to some degree for years...

Thursday, August 30, 2018

What Being Married To A Narcissist Is Really Like!

This post is not to get pity, but to let you know what I lived with for the last eighteen years. That was before I started realizing what I was really living with and am finally starting to wake up.  To answer the most obvious question though that I know people will ask is, "Why don't you leave?" To be honest with you I am trying to but if I leave right this second he will prevent me from taking my children with me because I am officially unemployed and still looking for a more steady work other than the freelance/ piecework I normally do. I am also trying to find a job so I can work from home because my anxiety is bad and being out in groups of people can put me into a panic.  So let me explain what I now realize was my life and give you some examples of what happened over the years. This is my life being married to a narcissist!

1. Nothing is EVER their fault!

God this one is the most common with a Narcissist. So we are on the same page my husband has left me before, I was stupid enough to take him back. When my husband left me the first time in 2013 he went on a whole tangent on how it was all my fault and I was not a good wife, I didn't show him enough love or compassion and I wasn't meeting his needs sexually.  What he was doing was turning it around on me because he was actually at the beginning of an affair that would last for almost two years. He was pissed because I told him that we needed to work on our relationship, especially when it came to sex because he was the type of guy where it was for his pleasure and then he walked away. It started getting old real fast.

2. It's Their way or the highway!

Oh yeah, my soon to be ex is using this A LOT right now with me because I am unemployed except for the little bit of freelancing or piece work I do. He continues to threaten to leave and not pay anything for the kids or bills and when I stand up to him he gets very verbal with me. I am learning to shut it off and try to keep him at arm's length because of this. I am thankful we do not sleep in the same room anymore because at least I have a way to get away from him. If I was ever in a car with him if I don't behave the way he wants me to or act a certain way he would threaten to also kick me to the side of the road and if it was fifty miles to my house he would make me walk. Let's just say I have not been in a car with him since I got back from Texas this past April.

3. They are Always the Victim!

If you listen to my Ex he will tell you how I yell and scream at him all the time and how I do not respect his masculinity. How I had shut him out of our bedroom and how I throw things in his face. To be honest, both of those are true, but when you ask why he gets real quiet and says I would rather not explain.  Yes, after I figured out he was being unfaithful to me and he was trying to manipulate and control me in every aspect of my life your damn straight I threw him out of my room. To him, sex was something that could be used against me and he used it as a weapon. That was until he realized that I knew what he was doing and I was not putting up with that anymore. Also, he started acting just like he did when he had his last affair and come on I am not stupid I knew how things work I wasn't doing that kind of emotional manipulation anymore.  Seriously, what woman wants to share her marital bed with someone who not only strayed not once but multiple times.  Yes, I also threw his past affair in his face, but only after he started telling me that he was smart to do it and if he was given another chance he would cheat on me again in a heartbeat.  Let's make this clear, though even after his affairs and the way he treats me I never strayed. EVER!

4. They don't work on the relationship AT ALL!

God this one I am so bitter about I have to bite my tongue A LOT. My ex-proclaimed he did so much for me and spoiled me so much. He was like, oh, I took you to cheesecake factory all the time... Hmm, that is where you took your mistress all the time. I have yet to ever go to the cheesecake factory with you or to come to think about it I have never been there at all. When I asked if we could go there you said the place brought back painful memories.  Our daughter's wedding dance song also brings back painful memories because it was his and his ex-mistresses song.  Or he took me to Busch Gardens in 2015. Nope sorry it wasn't me your thinking, your mistresses, I haven't been to My favorite amusement park since 2013.  Or my favorite thing was when we were with the kids in Orlando and we had done the History of a Chocolate tour and he was like oh don't you kids remember we were here before as a family.  Nope, that was when you were with your mistresses kids and not supporting your own.  I would bring him food to his work without asking. Tried to talk with him about his day. Would bring him little gifts even if it was his favorite gummy bears. Everything in the last eight years that he gave me was what his side chick liked. Our relationship has always been a matter of convenience and that's exactly how he treats his kids when he not too busy manipulating them as well.


Recently I ran into a mutual friend of both the Ex and mine and he was like hey are you okay, I heard you had been really sick lately.  The confused look on my face got the reply of, 'Oh, he said that you might not want to admit it or talk about it.' Apparently, I took to drinking and that's why I had been hiding at home a lot.  I wish!  Drinking would be a nice escape from him except for the fact that I have 2 young ones at home and that is NOT how I roll.  He also tells my kids that I do not love them and that all the household problems are because of me. He promises my kids the world and has told my son if he lives with me when we finally divorce, he will never see them again because I am a mean person who doesn't care.  Nope, sorry your kids know better.

6. They are Never there for you ever!

That's the truth  in October of 2017 I had a nervous breakdown after I was told by my soon to be ex that he literally played me and the only reason he had me come on the company cruise with him was because he wanted to be seen as an amazing family man(lies) and that he lied when he told me he wanted to build up our marriage and save us. That he now thinks it is the time I grew up and realized we are for show only and I am easily replaceable and I will not have a clue about what would hit me if I went against him.  After hearing that I wanted to kill myself and my daughter walked into my room while I seriously contemplated it. She called the police and I was hospitalized at the local, state psych ward to get help. He has not hugged or touched me in a loving manner since the cruise. He basically gave one hell of a performance pretending to give a shit about me so much so I thought there was hope for us and actually believed it! He made sure during my hospital time till after and recovering at home under doctor's care I was emotionally alone.

7. They are blind to everything about you!

I am a blogger and I am a writer. My books sell on Amazon! My blog is making ad revenue... Not a lot, but it's starting to make some. That's the first step in being a blogger. I am not going to toot my own horn, but as someone who does not do a lot of advertising I am getting the page views as well and I am excited with the progress of my blog and am working on making it better.  My soon to be ex-husband could not even tell you the name of one of my books or what my website even is.  He confuses me with his ex-mistress and the lady I believe he is cheating on me with now and calls me BRO. BRO ARE YOU KIDDING ME! I have given birth to your children I am hardly a BRO! He would bring me home his keep quiet gifts once in a while, but the thing was it was things I either never would look at or things that he swore I loved but really would make me sick. For example, he brought me a blue cheese bacon burger... I love me a burger, however, if I would have taken a bite I would have had an allergic reaction as blue cheese triggers my penicillin allergy and I am highly allergic to penicillin! How allergic? Oh, you know, can stop breathing and die allergic.  My daughter grabbed it as I opened it and threw it in the garbage screaming what's wrong with you? He was like oops I forgot!

8.  The lie, cheats, steals or has addictions...

Oh yeah, he lies all the time to not only me but to our children as well.  He has cheated on me now known 3 times, but I was warned by others it's higher than that.  Funny thing is during the writing of this article it was confirmed my soon to be ex-husband is cheating on me with a person half his age!  The source is pretty reliable too! He has an addiction to video games and for years his games came before the kids and me. It was so bad he would not take care of himself and would actually go to work late to finish something in his games. Then when we were separated in 2013 he became addicted to gambling at the casino. He still will go and spend money he doesn't have and waste bill money playing. Makes me sad because he always thinks he will make it back.

9. If you don't play their pretend game of how perfect they are then you are so screwed!

This has been a constant during our whole marriage. I was expected to put on the front of how wonderful a husband and how great a father he was and he really wasn't.  For example, his mom had signed me up one year to do a pancake breakfast for the men's group at church with her and she came and got me. He had decided to stay up late and when I got home three hours later, my oldest was sitting in her pajamas crying next to my 4 months old daughter's crib and when I asked what was wrong, she said daddy screamed at her because Jenny wouldn't shut up and she asked for lunch and was hungry, I found my ex-passed out in bed sleeping.  I woke him up screaming and told him never again will I leave my kids alone with him. He didn't like my temper and put a few holes in the walls, which are still there today and said good and he needed to be taken care of so shut up the kids and do my job. Let's just say I lost it and he was never left alone with my kids ever again. It took me forever to calm both girls down. He apologized to us after and saying daddy was working on the computer late and he shouldn't have then took the kids for ice cream and all was well.  But I still never left my kids with him alone again.

10. They manipulate, control and abuse you!

This is by far the creed of many narcissists!  The narcissist will manipulate you to the point where you will feel like a marionette on the strings. You are not allowed to feel anything other than what that narcissist feels. You are a friend to someone that he or she doesn't like then that person needs to go.  If that person sees what the narcissist is doing to you and speaks up against him or her then you might as well be prepared for your punishment for having such shitty people in your life.  If you like to do something and they don't like it, then you're wrong, stupid, ignorant. You are only allowed to do what is useful to them. For example, I practiced Wicca before I married. He was okay with it until we said, I do, then it was childish, wrong and immoral. Mind you he didn't believe in God and never went to church. I have since restarted practicing and I do not care what he thinks anymore!  They will also control and mentally assault you with everything you hold near and dear!  One thing I always say is I might be a crap mom at times, but one thing is certain, I love my children more than anything in this world and I would do anything for them.  My soon to be ex-has used this to control and manipulate me for as long as I can remember.

11. You will begin to look like death and feel 100 years old.

This is the truth!  When he left in 2013 I started taking care of myself and eating right and was doing so well. After he came back I slid downhill so fast that I gained 35 pounds in three months. Over the last three years, I have gained the most weight I have ever gained and I decided that was enough.  I started self-care and as soon as I started looking better and feeling better about myself he started pushing and prodding again with little threats and comments. He even went as far as to be having an affair on him. I asked him and how would I get there and with who because I don't have any guy friends. The thing is I know what the deal is and my self-care is so important That I even have been known to do my walks in the rain so I can keep up with the routine

Please don't think this post was easy to write because it has been a pain to be honest, however, I felt like people needed to know the truth of what has happened in my life and how I am living with it. All the examples of what I have been through are really just the tip of the iceberg for me and I think I had to stop a few times to dry tears and wipe my face because now that I am coming out of this haze of being under control I realize how much things in my life could have been different for not only me but my children if I had woken up sooner.  It took me eighteen years to realize what was happening in my life. I hope if any woman or man reads this and it helps them but also you need to know you are NOT ALONE! You are important, special and worth it! The world outside the cage your narcissist is putting you in is waiting for you! Get help and be safe.

-Blessings and Love


-National Domestic Violence Hotline (800) 799-7233


Wednesday, August 22, 2018

Mom's Need Other Mom's!

That's right, I am saying it mom's you need other mom's! If you believe as a mom you don't need a fellow group of woman to talk to and help get you through the rough spots in life than I hope your rainbows and unicorns are fabulous. See I used to be one of those moms who did it all alone because I was forced to be alone in my world.  My life has always put me into situations that I have been better friends with guys than girls.  However, after I had my first baby what few male and female friends I had disappeared fast.  I felt like I was always an outsider looking in and till this day I still feel like that.  I will admit I am different I am the nerdy girl who loves Star Wars, Gaming and Ghost Hunting!  I am happy if I did nothing but bake and read all day. For some, that's a bit off-putting, but I have always accepted people for who they are, so I am not going to pretend about who I am.

For twenty years I struggled with being a mom and messed up more times than I can count.  Although my kids had a father, I was utterly alone in life when it came to my concerns as a mom and I felt I had no one to talk to.  I thought since I was a member of the church would help me and I came to a quick realization that the churches I had visited made me feel worse because of the stuff I did in life and what I believed in. I tried to stick it out partially because of the pressure from my ex-mother-in-law, but by the time my son was born those people from the church were worse than the girls who used to talk behind my back in high school.

Also, I do want to make something clear, I am not a great mom.  Sometimes I will say I am mediocre to crap mom at best. I screw up most of the time and I will admit I am probably the reason that my kids will need therapy and  I will probably be paying for therapy for my kids well into the future, but there is one thing that I won't deny and that is I love my children, son-in-law, and granddaughter fiercely. These seven individuals give me a lease on life that keeps me going every day and I would move mountains for all of them.  So no matter how much I have screwed up I have a clear conscience and can say I have tried all my life to be a mom.

However, personally, I was having a huge internal battle.  I had no help or emotional support at home and whenever I tried to do something that would benefit myself as a mom and a woman I was always met with harsh comments or criticisms. So what changed? I had a talk with a very special someone one night and she told me that it was not my job to make everyone happy and that I needed to follow my dreams and be happy. I think that she knew what I was going through even though she was suffering her own personal battle at the time and her encouragement gave me the strength to continue following my dreams.

Fast forward a bit and I started watching these amazing mom live streams. Then I started to follow a moms group two years ago and began meeting these fabulous, amazing moms who come from all backgrounds in life.  I finally can say for the first time since becoming a mom, I am feeling some acceptance and that is an amazingly empowering feeling to have. When we meet up online we can have what some would consider the most boring conversations, however, those 'boring' conversations run right into the conversations that have us laughing and crying depending on the topic.  These women who I have come to share with don't belittle or judge. They give us fellow moms a shoulder to lean on and a listening ear to hear our stories and problems.  But most of all, even though we are located all across the world we are a tribe.  We are a group of moms who cheer each other on in celebration and awe when a new baby is born. When the worst happens, we cry alongside those hurting and offer a hand to help or an ear to listen.  We are moms and we are the strongest tribe around.

I am hardly one to give advice, but since meeting all these amazing women my life has changed for the better.  Find someone! Look online for a local moms group in your area, or even find a moms group online. Be brave and introduce yourself to the mom standing alone at the bus stop. You never know that mom could be just as lost and alone as you and what does it hurt to try!

Much love everyone,