Friday, September 7, 2018

Keep Calm and Love Florida


Hey, all its Angie and I decided to give you a lesson on my state Florida! See I was out the other day and I had some cranky ass New Yorker (Sorry if you live in New York or are from New York, but this butthole was actually bragging about where he was from.) You see I am an actual Florida Cracker!  No, a Cracker is NOT something derogatory it just means that I am a natural born Floridian who has actually stayed here most of her life. It's one of those old-school southern sayings like 'bless your heart' and 'So good you want to slap your Mama'! We Floridians get a whole bunch of crap though, and I feel the need to set the record straight about how things are done around these parts!

First, we do get multiple seasons! But unlike other parts of the country, they range from Hurricane Season to living in Satans Anus season! Why do we tolerate it? Because for anyone who has lived here exclusively for more than ten years, we love it! A few Christmases ago we went swimming on Christmas morning after we opened the presents.  I know what you must be thinking, "Angie you never lived anywhere else, so how would you know about the weather?" Well, I did do a brief five-year punishment having to live in New Jersey and listen I lived near the beach and my Grandparents knew I needed to be out in the sun a few times a week or I became a monster. I love snow seriously, but I love Florida. In my dream world, I would have a home on the water here in Florida and a place in the mountains so I can write as well... One day I will make this happen.

But in all seriousness here is a few things that why some may laugh are true about Floridians and how we are some tough people.

1. We live in a state where one of our top three contributors to our economy is the tourist!  We are not just talking about citizens from other states, but people from all over the world. Our resident Mouse brings them in by the plane loads and then all our other parks and attractions to keep them here vacationing. Florida has an amazing, thriving industry for entertainment as well as history. If they are not visiting an amusement park have you seen our beaches! Then we have many secret hidden gems located all over Florida in our state parks that are not only rich with Nature but with History.  Do yourself a favor if you want to get away from it all, check out my Pinterest board HERE you will not be disappointed!

2. We have this amazing grocery called Publix and they are amazing. There is nothing like a Publix sub! Their cakes are ordered for all important occasions. Or go to Publix and get their 8 piece meal that is a true taste of Florida as well! Plus, as a kid, we always loved getting our free cookie from the bakery! Or if you're not in your Publix you feel lost!  Also, Publix just became more strict with the enforcement of only service animals and making sure animals are out of the shopping cart as true service animals would not need to ride in a shopping cart. They are a tried and true Florida institution.

3. We have amazing weather! Yes, I know we are known as the lightning capital of the world and we get the pesky tropical weather, but when 75% of the time you have sun and a breeze who cares that's why we live here.  As for the pesky tropical weather as I was saying before we Floridians are a tough bunch.  We know when it's lightning out you head indoors. When the tropical weather picks up we have a few things that go through our head. A tropical wave, the tropical storm we just glance at the TV and follow it slightly. Category one we start paying attention to see where the projected path is bringing it to shore. A category 2 we are buying the staples and really watching the projected path as well as starting to make the yards hurricane ready. At this time depending on the landfall area and the projected path we are getting our elderly to where they need to be and families with small kids are starting to leave to family and friend's places that are in safe zones. Now if it's a category three we are deciding and getting hotels outside the path if our home is in a landfill area. Our people who are Floridians are brave, but we don't put our family in a rough spot.  Category four or five we have not only loaded our pets and family into cars and have started heading out we are now trying to convince our family who are stubborn to come with.  This has nothing to do with being scared this has everything to do with protecting those we love. There is bravery in this as we don't know if we will have a home to come back to after the storm has passed through and it's all over.  Besides, we get hurricane days instead of snow days!

And I was one of them....My have times have changed. For the Better

4. Besides the weather that can be a pain in the butt we also have trees that can kill you! There is a tree that is called the Manchineel Tree that is native to Florida that is so poisonous that if any rainwater was to hit you coming off this tree it would burn your skin.  Then we have tree gators as well. That's right folks not only is the Gators in the water they can get into the trees as well.  We even have people crazy enough to throw gators threw the windows of drive-through restaurants. 

5. You learn pretty fast how to communicate in any language regardless of the fact that you can speak another language or not. You think this is funny, I only know a few words of Spanish and I took German in high school. However, if you work in the customer service field you know you can communicate really fast and you have google translate in your phone so you can do your job effectively.

6. You pray to the air conditioner! Now I have friends and family who live in northern states and they don't get why I need an Air conditioner year round when they don't use their a lot at all. Oh, sweeties spend a few weeks in Florida and you will know the reason why.

7.  As a kid in Florida we get some of the BEST field trips and as adults, we love chaperoning those amazing field trips. Such as but not limited to NASA, St Augustine, Theme Parks. Swimming with the Manatees, Boating down the rivers.  Yes, we are adults, but hey, if we can get a trip with our kids and can act like a kid ourselves its win-win situation!

8. Genetically engineered bugs and animals. Love bugs are not lovely and mosquitoes are annoying. That's not including snacks, gators, and sharks in the water. However, if you are a true Floridian you know how to act where to avoid and what to do. Oh, and if you were looking for peace and quiet, well sweetie, let me inform you now that our wildlife will give you the song of their people A LOT! The frogs are very vocal and so are the crickets, especially after a brief nighttime rain which happens about every night!

9. Fresh fruit and food!
There is nothing like an orange! Yes, I know you people who live outside our state can get them too, but we can normally go to our neighbor and ask to get them off their tree yes we do get picky on our citrus! As Florida has become a catchall for the American people if you know where to look you can get some amazing food! No, I am not talking about chain restaurants, but mom and pop places or food trucks that offer some of the best food ever! Also, because we are surrounded by water, there are a large ton of fresh seafood places around just be ready to get some mud on your car tires to get there!


10. You know in Florida we are separated into groups! North. Central. South. When you are talking to someone you will need to know the difference as each area has different things to do.  Also, there is a big college rivalry here as well and each college is in a different area. School yourself to be safe!

11. We do casual around these parts really well and you will own more Flip Flops, Sandals, Bathing suits than any other piece of clothing.  If you are a person wanting to be a local this is a fact. Just come to the sunny side of Florida we have cookies!

12 In Florida, we have trust issues due to the weather!  Oh, you think I am joking! Seriously, it will be sunny and bright in the front yard and then it will be storming in the backyard!  Also, you think you're going to look out your window and the weather is the same as it was ten minutes ago, that's adorable. Last night I went to do my nightly walk and it got pushed back three times because it started raining again.

13. NOTHING, absolutely nothing in the news shocks you ever!
*Woman burns down one of the oldest trees in Florida to cook her 
meth!
*Man arrested for molesting a tailpipe of a car!
*Guy arrested for throwing a baby alligator through the window of a fast food restaurant!

Yes, even us Floridians cringe when the news comes on and we will all be like not Florida, please. Then when its Florida we groan inwardly.

14. We get cold if the weather dips below 70

15. The heat and humidity are the reasons most ladies in Florida avoid makeup and wear out hair in ponytails! We also recognize a heated seatbelt as a dangerous object!

16. The day and nighttime skies are beautiful and almost everyone wants to paint or photograph them.

17. Want to try out churches? We have A LOT of them around as well as synagogue's and you can almost always find a Wiccan or Faith healer! I even know of a handful of Voodoo and Hoodoo groups around as well.  Religion, regardless of what type of big in Florida! You just have to know where to look!

>18. We believe in the paranormal and have a town based on it!  Come to visit Cassedega Florida and see what it's all about. However pretty much any area in Florida is haunted. We have some strong history here and we can tell you handfuls of ghost stories and where to go find some yourself. A shout out to our local 
Ghosthunters in Brooksville PIT They are awesome and I catch as many of their lives as possible. 

 But seriously, I love my state and I hate when people bash it. I have been known to say if you hate it so much it's about a four-hour drive north to the state line you won't be missed!  True Floridians are a special breed we have to live with the fact that our state is not just our state and we have to share it with the world. We have people trying to take back the state by purchasing land and letting nature have it! We deal with new neighbors constantly as well as tourists and storms. Our ground can open up from sinkholes or be destroyed by hurricanes! But we are a bunch of badasses who endure because we know behind the bad stuff there is a bunch of amazing and good! We are a proud group and we are as southern as we come!

Blessings and Hope to you all!
-Angie



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