Thursday, August 30, 2018

What Being Married To A Narcissist Is Really Like!

This post is not to get pity, but to let you know what I lived with for the last eighteen years. That was before I started realizing what I was really living with and am finally starting to wake up.  To answer the most obvious question though that I know people will ask is, "Why don't you leave?" To be honest with you I am trying to but if I leave right this second he will prevent me from taking my children with me because I am officially unemployed and still looking for a more steady work other than the freelance/ piecework I normally do. I am also trying to find a job so I can work from home because my anxiety is bad and being out in groups of people can put me into a panic.  So let me explain what I now realize was my life and give you some examples of what happened over the years. This is my life being married to a narcissist!

1. Nothing is EVER their fault!

God this one is the most common with a Narcissist. So we are on the same page my husband has left me before, I was stupid enough to take him back. When my husband left me the first time in 2013 he went on a whole tangent on how it was all my fault and I was not a good wife, I didn't show him enough love or compassion and I wasn't meeting his needs sexually.  What he was doing was turning it around on me because he was actually at the beginning of an affair that would last for almost two years. He was pissed because I told him that we needed to work on our relationship, especially when it came to sex because he was the type of guy where it was for his pleasure and then he walked away. It started getting old real fast.

2. It's Their way or the highway!

Oh yeah, my soon to be ex is using this A LOT right now with me because I am unemployed except for the little bit of freelancing or piece work I do. He continues to threaten to leave and not pay anything for the kids or bills and when I stand up to him he gets very verbal with me. I am learning to shut it off and try to keep him at arm's length because of this. I am thankful we do not sleep in the same room anymore because at least I have a way to get away from him. If I was ever in a car with him if I don't behave the way he wants me to or act a certain way he would threaten to also kick me to the side of the road and if it was fifty miles to my house he would make me walk. Let's just say I have not been in a car with him since I got back from Texas this past April.

3. They are Always the Victim!

If you listen to my Ex he will tell you how I yell and scream at him all the time and how I do not respect his masculinity. How I had shut him out of our bedroom and how I throw things in his face. To be honest, both of those are true, but when you ask why he gets real quiet and says I would rather not explain.  Yes, after I figured out he was being unfaithful to me and he was trying to manipulate and control me in every aspect of my life your damn straight I threw him out of my room. To him, sex was something that could be used against me and he used it as a weapon. That was until he realized that I knew what he was doing and I was not putting up with that anymore. Also, he started acting just like he did when he had his last affair and come on I am not stupid I knew how things work I wasn't doing that kind of emotional manipulation anymore.  Seriously, what woman wants to share her marital bed with someone who not only strayed not once but multiple times.  Yes, I also threw his past affair in his face, but only after he started telling me that he was smart to do it and if he was given another chance he would cheat on me again in a heartbeat.  Let's make this clear, though even after his affairs and the way he treats me I never strayed. EVER!

4. They don't work on the relationship AT ALL!

God this one I am so bitter about I have to bite my tongue A LOT. My ex-proclaimed he did so much for me and spoiled me so much. He was like, oh, I took you to cheesecake factory all the time... Hmm, that is where you took your mistress all the time. I have yet to ever go to the cheesecake factory with you or to come to think about it I have never been there at all. When I asked if we could go there you said the place brought back painful memories.  Our daughter's wedding dance song also brings back painful memories because it was his and his ex-mistresses song.  Or he took me to Busch Gardens in 2015. Nope sorry it wasn't me your thinking, your mistresses, I haven't been to My favorite amusement park since 2013.  Or my favorite thing was when we were with the kids in Orlando and we had done the History of a Chocolate tour and he was like oh don't you kids remember we were here before as a family.  Nope, that was when you were with your mistresses kids and not supporting your own.  I would bring him food to his work without asking. Tried to talk with him about his day. Would bring him little gifts even if it was his favorite gummy bears. Everything in the last eight years that he gave me was what his side chick liked. Our relationship has always been a matter of convenience and that's exactly how he treats his kids when he not too busy manipulating them as well.


Recently I ran into a mutual friend of both the Ex and mine and he was like hey are you okay, I heard you had been really sick lately.  The confused look on my face got the reply of, 'Oh, he said that you might not want to admit it or talk about it.' Apparently, I took to drinking and that's why I had been hiding at home a lot.  I wish!  Drinking would be a nice escape from him except for the fact that I have 2 young ones at home and that is NOT how I roll.  He also tells my kids that I do not love them and that all the household problems are because of me. He promises my kids the world and has told my son if he lives with me when we finally divorce, he will never see them again because I am a mean person who doesn't care.  Nope, sorry your kids know better.

6. They are Never there for you ever!

That's the truth  in October of 2017 I had a nervous breakdown after I was told by my soon to be ex that he literally played me and the only reason he had me come on the company cruise with him was because he wanted to be seen as an amazing family man(lies) and that he lied when he told me he wanted to build up our marriage and save us. That he now thinks it is the time I grew up and realized we are for show only and I am easily replaceable and I will not have a clue about what would hit me if I went against him.  After hearing that I wanted to kill myself and my daughter walked into my room while I seriously contemplated it. She called the police and I was hospitalized at the local, state psych ward to get help. He has not hugged or touched me in a loving manner since the cruise. He basically gave one hell of a performance pretending to give a shit about me so much so I thought there was hope for us and actually believed it! He made sure during my hospital time till after and recovering at home under doctor's care I was emotionally alone.

7. They are blind to everything about you!

I am a blogger and I am a writer. My books sell on Amazon! My blog is making ad revenue... Not a lot, but it's starting to make some. That's the first step in being a blogger. I am not going to toot my own horn, but as someone who does not do a lot of advertising I am getting the page views as well and I am excited with the progress of my blog and am working on making it better.  My soon to be ex-husband could not even tell you the name of one of my books or what my website even is.  He confuses me with his ex-mistress and the lady I believe he is cheating on me with now and calls me BRO. BRO ARE YOU KIDDING ME! I have given birth to your children I am hardly a BRO! He would bring me home his keep quiet gifts once in a while, but the thing was it was things I either never would look at or things that he swore I loved but really would make me sick. For example, he brought me a blue cheese bacon burger... I love me a burger, however, if I would have taken a bite I would have had an allergic reaction as blue cheese triggers my penicillin allergy and I am highly allergic to penicillin! How allergic? Oh, you know, can stop breathing and die allergic.  My daughter grabbed it as I opened it and threw it in the garbage screaming what's wrong with you? He was like oops I forgot!

8.  The lie, cheats, steals or has addictions...

Oh yeah, he lies all the time to not only me but to our children as well.  He has cheated on me now known 3 times, but I was warned by others it's higher than that.  Funny thing is during the writing of this article it was confirmed my soon to be ex-husband is cheating on me with a person half his age!  The source is pretty reliable too! He has an addiction to video games and for years his games came before the kids and me. It was so bad he would not take care of himself and would actually go to work late to finish something in his games. Then when we were separated in 2013 he became addicted to gambling at the casino. He still will go and spend money he doesn't have and waste bill money playing. Makes me sad because he always thinks he will make it back.

9. If you don't play their pretend game of how perfect they are then you are so screwed!

This has been a constant during our whole marriage. I was expected to put on the front of how wonderful a husband and how great a father he was and he really wasn't.  For example, his mom had signed me up one year to do a pancake breakfast for the men's group at church with her and she came and got me. He had decided to stay up late and when I got home three hours later, my oldest was sitting in her pajamas crying next to my 4 months old daughter's crib and when I asked what was wrong, she said daddy screamed at her because Jenny wouldn't shut up and she asked for lunch and was hungry, I found my ex-passed out in bed sleeping.  I woke him up screaming and told him never again will I leave my kids alone with him. He didn't like my temper and put a few holes in the walls, which are still there today and said good and he needed to be taken care of so shut up the kids and do my job. Let's just say I lost it and he was never left alone with my kids ever again. It took me forever to calm both girls down. He apologized to us after and saying daddy was working on the computer late and he shouldn't have then took the kids for ice cream and all was well.  But I still never left my kids with him alone again.

10. They manipulate, control and abuse you!

This is by far the creed of many narcissists!  The narcissist will manipulate you to the point where you will feel like a marionette on the strings. You are not allowed to feel anything other than what that narcissist feels. You are a friend to someone that he or she doesn't like then that person needs to go.  If that person sees what the narcissist is doing to you and speaks up against him or her then you might as well be prepared for your punishment for having such shitty people in your life.  If you like to do something and they don't like it, then you're wrong, stupid, ignorant. You are only allowed to do what is useful to them. For example, I practiced Wicca before I married. He was okay with it until we said, I do, then it was childish, wrong and immoral. Mind you he didn't believe in God and never went to church. I have since restarted practicing and I do not care what he thinks anymore!  They will also control and mentally assault you with everything you hold near and dear!  One thing I always say is I might be a crap mom at times, but one thing is certain, I love my children more than anything in this world and I would do anything for them.  My soon to be ex-has used this to control and manipulate me for as long as I can remember.

11. You will begin to look like death and feel 100 years old.

This is the truth!  When he left in 2013 I started taking care of myself and eating right and was doing so well. After he came back I slid downhill so fast that I gained 35 pounds in three months. Over the last three years, I have gained the most weight I have ever gained and I decided that was enough.  I started self-care and as soon as I started looking better and feeling better about myself he started pushing and prodding again with little threats and comments. He even went as far as to be having an affair on him. I asked him and how would I get there and with who because I don't have any guy friends. The thing is I know what the deal is and my self-care is so important That I even have been known to do my walks in the rain so I can keep up with the routine

Please don't think this post was easy to write because it has been a pain to be honest, however, I felt like people needed to know the truth of what has happened in my life and how I am living with it. All the examples of what I have been through are really just the tip of the iceberg for me and I think I had to stop a few times to dry tears and wipe my face because now that I am coming out of this haze of being under control I realize how much things in my life could have been different for not only me but my children if I had woken up sooner.  It took me eighteen years to realize what was happening in my life. I hope if any woman or man reads this and it helps them but also you need to know you are NOT ALONE! You are important, special and worth it! The world outside the cage your narcissist is putting you in is waiting for you! Get help and be safe.

-Blessings and Love


-National Domestic Violence Hotline (800) 799-7233


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