Tuesday, November 29, 2016

A Daily Struggle My Goal To Find My Happiness!

I am not writing this to have people give me sympathy or compassion I am writing this so people know they are not alone.  So here it goes!

My name is Angie I am a married thirty-nine-year-old mom of five.  I am blessed to have a full-time job, a roof over my head and food to feed my family.  What I am not is happy!  I suffer from mild depression and high Anxiety.  I have gotten so bad that I have fought with my husband and kids.  Afterward, I regret it and feel like an evil monster.  However, I am currently trying to evict the monster.  I am also trying to change my life for the better. I truly want to be happy.  I love my husband more than anything with the exception of our kids. I don't want my kids seeing me miserable in my life and thinking mom was nothing more than a hot mess.  I am not a doctor or a psychologist I am just someone who wants everyone to know your not alone.  I am working towards my happy ending (oh god I just referenced Once Upon A Time)  So here is how I am doing that.

1.  I joined two amazing mom bloggers pages and I log in when they live stream.  So ladies go check out That's Inappropriate and The Joy of Moms.  Listening to them and seeing all the moms helps me know the struggle is real and I am not alone.  Also, Meredith from That's Inappropriate just released a book called SCOOP THE POOP.  I was crying within reading the first chapter because I can relate to what she went through because I am going through it right now.

2.I have had to decide on what is truly important to me what I can live and live without.  I know what I can live with.  What I can not live without are my husband and children.  I need them like I need oxygen.  They are the reason I want to be happy again.  I want to be happy.

3.  What makes me unhappy?  Well, my job!  I am not fond of it there has been way too many changes for my liking.  My husband has told me to quit but unfortunately I had to take a leave from work thanks to a small surgery and I know I will have to have another one soon so I need that pesky medical insurance and the income for a while longer.  Trust me when I say I want to go but I need to have income first and these past 8 weeks have been rather expensive.  I can't have the hubby bail us out of it because I don't want him to get stressed and sick.  Plus I need medical insurance.  I can't believe I am saying this I can't leave my job because I need the medical and to pay my bills.

4. What else makes me unhappy... well this one is gong to spark a few big Fuck You's but My extended Family and friends.  Let us start with my friends I have a small group of friends that are so amazing I mean seriously they all called checked on me and made sure I was okay.  I honestly never felt more caring.  Now don't get me wrong I also learned the hard way in the last few months that people you thought were your closest friends can turn on you as well.  I have been thrown aside and thrown under the proverbial bus by someone that was supposed to be a good friend.  Its funny I am not angry and mad just really disappointed in that person.  All I can say is Karma!

Family.... I honestly believe at times that should be the new F word.  The amazing ones are taken far too soon and then your left with the ones you can't figure out and the bottom feeders,  See in my family my parents were not liked very well.  I can see why my mom was as two-faced as she could be I mean literally, if she did something for you I can guarantee it was talked about behind your back.  My Dad well my dad is the biggest story teller ever and I mean this not in a good way.  The man was abusive to not only my mom but to me.  My mom had finally got fed up and I had given her money to leave him.  Too bad the next week she died. But all my moms and dads side of the family knew how they were.  They honestly think that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  Well, guess what not only did I fall far but I rolled down the hill boarded a train and never looked back.  My own sister and brother that's another story but not me,  I feel that even my own kids get looked down upon by my side of the family.

Hubby's side of the family of good sans a few of them.  As my sister in law used to say, Angie, we never know what's next with you.  Yeah, I have shocked a few of them but I definitely don't have a lot of room for tact.

Now don't get me wrong I love my family and always will I have cousins whom I am so proud of and I adore a few of my Aunts and Uncles.  My family just sees my parents, not me!

5. Getting my hobbies on!  That's right I want to be well so I have started a few hobbies.  What are they you might ask?  Well, I try to garden.  I say try very loosely because the only thing I can really grow is peppers.  You know what I will take that because I happen to like peppers.  I also love to bake I always have loved to make cookies and sweets and always want to learn more and expand on that.  I try and my meals are never really Pinterest worthy.  However, my cookies and sweets are. 

6.  I also love to write.  I am currently working on a few stories that I want to put out on the nook and Kindle Platforms.  I also started to continue working on a hardcover book that I have had in the works since I was 15 years old.  I am so excited.  Thank god for technology because I can write my ideas down and then work on the outline via Nook press or Kindle.

7. Getting myself back to where I feel comfortable. I am very overweight right now and I hate it.  When I say hate I mean with a passion.  Now that I am in the final stages of my recovery from this surgery my goal is to lose half my weight.  I know I can do it I am just scared.  

8. Last but not least my job.  I think I have stopped liking my job a while ago, however I love a bunch of the people I work with and after being with the company over 10 years I truly can say I work with some of the most amazing people ever.  But yes I would love to leave my job.  Currently, I have a big whopping $.22 in my savings account and that needs to be upwards to $5000- $10000 before I even consider leaving.  However, I have been taken under a great freelancers wing and she has been showing and teaching me how to be a productive awesome home freelancer so you never know what might happen.  I know writing can be difficult to make money with but I was told by a very amazing person when she is gone she expects me to follow my dreams because I can't expect my kids to follow theirs if I don't follow mine.

Well, everyone, I know that was a complete unload I just did,  However, I want you all to know you are not alone. I want to be happy and I am planning on making the rest of 2016 and all of 2017 the time for changes and fun.

May you all be blessed many times over,
Angie  

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